In Sight of Stars by Gae Polisner

Author:Gae Polisner
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: St. Martin's Press

MONDAY MORNING

My mother wears jeans with heels, less makeup than usual, and her hair pulled back in a natural sweep that seems as if she put just a bit too much effort into not putting effort into it. Still, she manages to look younger this morning, softer, yet somehow also more solid. She stands at Dr. Alvarez’s door afraid to fully come in.

“Hey, Mom.” I walk to the door, and awkwardly hug her. She pats my back, then drops her arms to the side, making me realize how long it’s been since we hugged. We’re out of practice, but it’s a start. Something to work on, I guess.

“Dr. Alvarez says the checkout is relatively quick,” she says, studying my face. “They require me to sign you out, and if you’re willing, they want you—us—to agree that you’ll continue to do outpatient therapy.”

“Here,” I say, “right? I’d like that.” I turn to Dr. Alvarez. “I’d like to continue with Dr. Alvarez if I can.”

Dr. Alvarez smiles. “That works for me,” she says.

My mother moves into the room, the gold bracelets jangling on her wrists. “Whatever you both feel is best. So long as you’re coming home.”

Even though I’ve tried to prepare myself, my stomach lurches at the word “home,” at the thought of going back there, back to school.

At the thought of facing Sarah.

What if I’m not ready? It was never easy being there in the first place.

“If you’ll excuse me for a moment,” Dr. Alvarez says, getting up, “I just need to get some paperwork from the administrative office,” and she slips quietly out the door.

My mother and I sit. She turns her body toward me on the couch. “I want you to know that I loved him, Klee,” she says, picking at a thread on her jeans. “Even after he told me, I still loved him.”

“I know. I get that now,” I say.

“We were so young when we met, when we married. Maybe I should have known. I felt so stupid when I found out. Looking back, I should have seen … I had my suspicions, of course, but I don’t think even he knew. Not at first. Not fully. Not for a long time. He was raised a certain way—his parents, well, you didn’t know them very well. They were of a time, wanted certain things for him. He wanted those things, too. Or thought he did. Everything else he put out of his mind. He was good at that, your father. From the time I met him, he had a vision about what his life would be. About what it should be. And he worked hard to get it there. And anything that got in the way … that’s how he was. Single-minded. He got what he wanted and avoided what he didn’t want to see. He wanted to be successful. And he wanted a family. And, for sure, he wanted you.”

I shift uncomfortably, swallow back tears.

“And he loved us always, Klee,” she says. “He did. No matter what happened, I always knew that.

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